May Your will be done, not mine...

We bought a blanket to send down to Maria, along with a little stuffed animal that Carlos picked out (a cute little monkey).  Bonding experts advise sleeping with the blanket for a few nights so that our scent is on it.  So, we've been sleeping with it this week and I must say, it's the softest blanket either of us have ever slept with!  But the best thing about sleeping with this blanket has been that simply by holding on to it as we are laying in bed each night, we feel connected to Maria.  It's strange, but wonderful, and we look forward to holding onto this blanket each night.  Part of me doesn't want to give it away now.  But of course we must, and this connection that we feel must be tied to the fact that we know someday in the coming weeks she'll be holding onto it too as she falls asleep.  That thought is very powerful to us. 

We don't know her yet, but we miss her, if that makes sense.  We long to cuddle her in our arms, kiss her sweet cheeks, read books to her as she sits in our lap, sing songs to her, take family walks, hear her laugh, whisper "buenas noches mi amore" to her as she falls asleep. 

At the beginning of each day I wonder if today will be the day we receive her official referral and can move on to the next phase of paperwork and preparations that will bring us closer to traveling to Colombia.  And at the close of each night I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and that each day that passes does bring us closer to her, even though we haven't heard anything. 

I asked our case worker today why the delay, why not the immediate granting of the referral since we've already been matched with Maria for months and they've just been waiting for all of our documents to arrive?  She explained, "In regards to the referral question, they have had the actual dossier for not a long period of time and they don't always have a committee meeting (for official assignment of a child) every week. I am sure you are at the top of the list for the committee meeting. If they have one before the holiday then you would be able to get the referral before Christmas. If not then you would be in the first committee of the new year. Once the rep has the official referral, she will scan it and email it to me. We will call you immediately so you know we have it and then it will be sent to translation. Hope this helps although I know that this waiting part is very hard."  She's right about that!

I was feeling very anxious about the timeline again after I read that, and immediately started begging God that LP would have a committee meeting before Christmas.  My thoughts were racing, fears were rising up, and my brain was just jumping from here to there as I pleaded with Him.  All my begging just left me feeling more desperate and anxious though. 

So I took a deep breath and sat for a moment with my eyes closed, realizing as I did that that was not the prayer I should have been praying.  And then I found myself praying that God would have us travel to Colombia whenever it was best for Maria that we be there.  If her heart and mind aren't ready for us until February, or later, then that's when I want us to be there, and not any sooner.  Although we long to be with her as soon as possible, only God knows when the best timing for her will be.  He knows when she'll be ready.  I have to trust Him.  I do trust Him. 

I felt so much calmer when I was finished with that prayer.  God hears all of our prayers, and wants us to cry out to Him in our desperation and amidst all of our feelings, but the ones aligned with His will (His heart, His purpose) feel different than the ones that aren't. 

As I'm typing right now I'm reminded of something my friend Mary wrote recently on her blog.  She was reflecting on Christmas, as a mother, and wrote:  "Mary accepted God's will in her life; and with an open heart, she welcomed Jesus into her womb. "Thy will, not my own, be done." She knew she would face potential ridicule, and yes, even death, as she was not married at the time of her conception...but she trusted in the Lord. And He took care of her. He had given to her a righteous man, Joseph, who loved her and allowed God into his heart as well. Mary was truly a blessed woman, and yet she suffered a great deal in her lifetime. She is the ultimate example of a mother and of allowing God's will to be done, instead of constantly attempting to force our own desires."

Yes, that is an example worth looking up to!  So I will try my best....May your will be done Lord, not mine...