A Long Over Due Update

I don't know where to start.  I've thought about updating the blog almost every day, but more out of feeling a sense of obligation than out of a desire to write.  I don't know how to put into words all that our family has gone through over the past couple of months.  Yet I want to honor our family, and Kristi in particular, by writing something.  So therein lies the stress that I've carried around with me for weeks: feeling I should write, yet not having the motivation to do so.  And now that it's been so long since I've written, I've built up a self-imposed expectation that this better be a good one!  (I know, I'm my own worst enemy at times!) 

Okay, I'll just begin.  After battling ovarian cancer for over four years, and after much prayer and many tears, Kristi and Brian decided that Kristi should stop chemo.  In February Kristi's doctor told them that she probably has about six months left to live.  In April she started to feel more tired and worn-out, and was struggling with getting her pain medication under control.  In May right around Mother's Day she took a turn for the worse.  A week or so later she and Brian were told that she was down to about two weeks left to live.  Brian told us a couple of days after they found out when Kevin and I were over for a visit.  Brian told us and when we had a few moments to absorb the shock, Kristi came downstairs.  Oh the tears!  SHE comforted US, saying "It's going to be okay," while hugging us and rubbing Kevin's back as he sobbed.  We sat on the couch with her and Brian as the kids played together and it felt like we could sit there all day.  We just couldn't get enough of her.  We wanted to just soak her in.  *Sigh* 

The next week we went over again and not realizing it was going to happen, had our "good bye visit" with her.  It felt so sudden.  Kevin went first, and then he brought Carlos up there to see her after a while.  When it was my turn, I didn't know what to say.  It didn't feel like a good bye visit.  It felt like I was just hanging out with her having a girl talk while she was feeling a little under the weather.  We were in their room, sitting on their bed, playing with Maria at first, and then later after Kevin took Maria back downstairs, talking about the kids, both hers and mine, just chatting like we usually did.  There were a couple of serious times when she cried and I teared up, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that she was dying.  Soon.  It didn't seem real.  I know now that I was in denial.

When we left after that, I was a wreck.  I cried all the way home. Our roommate put the kids to bed for us so that Kevin and I could just have some time alone to process what was happening.  We cried on and off at the restaurant that night.  (Good thing the lighting was dim and we were sitting in a corner!)  This was on a Sunday and the next day I fortunately did not have to go into work as usual.  I had the week off as this was the week that Kristi, Lori, and I had booked tickets a couple months back to go on a sisters' trip together.  Oh how excited we all were once our trip was booked!  It was so beautiful to hear the joy and excitement in Kristi's emails as we wrote back and forth to one another about it.  We could hardly wait to go!  (Another sigh.)  But it just wasn't meant to be.  God had different plans for us.  I felt so heavy hearted that day and all through the next.  Kevin and I felt so alone in our sadness.  We know we have friends, but it didn't feel like we could connect with any of them right then.  We didn't feel close to anyone, and it was very lonely.  We lamented the fact that we hadn't kept in closer touch with friends over the past year and a half, and that we were still new in our church family.  Hardly anyone knew what was going on (most of our friends new that Kristi was battling ovarian cancer, but no one knew she had taken a turn for the worse and that we were at the end.)  I'm so thankful to God that he put it on my heart to reach out to a few certain people!  Those particular friends were an absolute GIFT from the Lord, and stood by us in such generous and beautiful ways.  I don't know how we would have gotten through those most difficult weeks without them.  I know that I've digressed a bit, but I just had to acknowledge my deepest thanks to those dear friends.

My memory of the timeline of events is a little fuzzy now, but I think that Kristi went into Hospice Home of Holland the end of that week.  We thought she would be there for only a day or two, but her body held on for three weeks before she went home to be with Jesus on June 10th.  While she was in the Hospice Home, Kevin went there nearly every day, as did Lori, and their parents.  The kids and I went several times.  It was hard to see Kristi deteriorating, but she was such a sweetheart!  She always had a smile for any of us who came to see her, and Brian and Kevin and Lori and their parents can tell many, many stories of her kind and loving nature coming out strongly all the way to the end.  She was shining beautifully! 

Kevin had been at the Hospice Home on June 10th and the kids and I came in at dinner time.  Aunt Diane (Kevin's dad's sister) was there as she had flown in earlier that day.  Kristi's breathing had become raspier that day, but we left around 9:00 p.m. saying that we'd see everyone tomorrow, under the impression that Kristi still had a few days left.  By the time we reached Grand Rapids, the kids were almost asleep.  We just didn't have it in us to "put them to bed," so we decided that I should continue driving around (nine times out of ten Kevin does the driving, but for some reason I did that night) until they fell asleep so that we could just plop them into bed when we got home.  We literally drove around Grand Rapids on the highway and just as we were on the opposite side of town from where our house is, minutes after the kids had both fallen asleep, Kevin's cell phone rang.  It was his mom, saying the Kristi had passed away.

That was one of the longest drives home.  I was shaking.  Kevin had to call Lori and tell her.  I could hear Lori's sobs over Kevin's cries as they wept together.  We called our roommates and thankfully they were both home when we arrived so we could drop the kids into their beds and then turn around and head back into Holland to the Hospice Home.  I'm shaking now as I type all of this, recalling the sensations I felt that same night.  After throwing an overnight bag together and tying up a few loose ends, we were on our way.  We talked to Lori about picking her up so that we could all drive together, but we all decided that we'd just pack up our things and start out the door as soon as we each could and then would check back in with each other before we arrived at Hospice.  In the crazy and beautiful way that is God's, due to the wrong exit that Lori's friend took who was driving her and then the wrong turn she made, we ended up turning into the driveway/parking lot of the Home exactly behind Lori.  We got out of our cars at the exact same time and were able to walk into the Home hand in hand. I can still picture our walk down the hallway like it was yesterday.  Oh the sobbing as we embraced Mom and Dad.  Oh the tears as we gathered together around Kristi's bed.  More sobbing as Brian came back into the room and heartbroken reached for his bride. 

It was an exhausting and tough night and next few days especially.  Brian and Kristi with the help of many people put together a beautiful visitation and memorial service.  Our days were filled with friends and family and tears.  Our family has a very obvious hole in it.  Our first hole was left by Eric's passing last year, and now another hole with Kristi's passing.  I keep thinking about how "now there are four."  Four of us siblings & spouses where there used to be six.  Four of the original Kammeraad family of Mom, Dad, Kristi, Lori, and Kevin.  And now only four Rogalskes, where Brian, Ashley, Nathan, and Emily are now without their wife and mom.  There have been and continue to be so many people who are praying for us and all of the people I just mentioned above.  Thank you so very much.  We couldn't get through all of this without your prayers.  Please continue, as the grieving continues for everyone. 

Before I end this extremely long post, I wanted to say a few words about Kristi.  She was a beautiful, kind, loving, generous person.  Such an amazing wife and mom and daughter and sister and friend.  She had a strong relationship with God, and she will be leaving a beautiful legacy of faith to all of those whose lives intersected with hers. 

I'll miss laughing and talking with her at family gatherings.  I'll miss talking with her about the books we're reading.  I'll miss her smile and the way she interacted with her kids and nieces and nephews.  I'll miss her quirky sense of humor in her emails as we'd write back and forth about our menus for the family camping trips and holiday meals.  I'll miss her homemade stamped cards and the way she wrote her letter "a"s. We love her.  We miss her.  We can't wait to see her again in heaven!