Out of the darkness, into the light....

Warning: very long post!  (Sorry about that!)

I have been thinking about updating the blog on and off for months, but then I never seem to have enough energy to do so.  I've also questioned if what I had to say was worth saying.  I'm such an over-analyzer that by the time I'd decide that I did want to share something, days had past and then I'd feel like what I was going to write wasn't relevant any more, since it wouldn't be what I was feeling at that moment of writing.  I also struggled with writing too much of myself.  I want to honor God and I enjoy when I can share what He is doing in our lives.  Over the past many months though, I have not felt that I had anything to share.  It's not because He is not doing anything in our lives though, it's because I have not been in a good place to take notice.  Which is what this post is about. 

I have not been in a good place lately.  I don't know how long it's been that I've been feeling this way, as it's been a gradual thing.  I've been saying December was tough, because it was, but I wonder if it came to the surface of my consciousness last month because of all of the extra stress of the holidays, while it's actually been there for quite a while before that.  What I'm talking about is this pervasive feeling of sadness and anxiety.  I've been feeling disconnected, discontent.  I've not had the energy to reply to emails or call people back.  I cry a lot.  I feel overwhelmed so often.  December was definitely the worst with feeling all of this.  There was even one day when I was home alone with the kids where I actually contemplated (for longer than I care to share) on how one goes gets committed.  The idea of being drugged up to the point of oblivion, staring out the window for hours upon hours, was something that sounded so good to me that I wondered what crazy thing I could do that would cause Kevin to take one look at me when he came home and then make a phone call to have me "put away" for awhile. 

And then the guilt came washing over me, as it always does when I'm feeling sad and anxious.  What right do I have to feel like this?  Why should I feel so sad and overwhelmed and anxious?  There is nothing "wrong."  I have my family, our health, I have friends, food, a house, etc.  Millions of people in this world have so much suffering in their lives, why can't I handle MY life?  It's hard at times, yes, it's been a tough year for our family, yes, but there is so much I have to be thankful for, how dare I feel this way?  Now that I'm writing this, I think these feelings started last spring with the declining health of Kristi.  That's when I first remember them, when Kristi and Brian shared with us that she only had a few weeks left to live.  We cried so much for the following month or more.  But even then I felt guilty for crying.  I felt guilty feeling sad.  I am just the sister-in-law, what right do I have to feel sad, overwhelmed, anxious, to cry, to want people to take care of the kids and us, when I should be the one taking care of Kevin since she's his sister.  I should be helping to take care of Mom and Dad K since she's their daughter.  I should be helping to take care of Lori because she's her sister.  I should be helping to take care of Brian and the kids because she's their wife and mom.  I should be the helper, not the one needing help.  I struggled so much with this and felt such guilt that I couldn't "pull it together" to be strong for any of them.  And those feelings have continued to this day. 

I feel like there has been a cloud over me for weeks and weeks.  It goes away for a little while, but it always comes back.  Some days by the time I go to bed I think that I'm feeling better, and I'm determined to choose to be joyful the next day.  Last week there was an evening where I even felt inspired to write "bring joy" (as that seemed easier, to bring joy to those around me rather than to try to focus my energy on being joyful) but as soon as I woke up I felt the cloud come around me and I had zero interest in bringing or being full of joy of any kind.  And then I felt the d's again: discouraged, disconnected, discontent. 

I started to feel better toward the end of last week and I was hopeful that our "new year, new us" mantra that Kevin and I have been telling each other was working and coming true.  But then at church on Sunday, I felt horrible.  I felt so uncomfortable and fidgeted through the entire service; all I wanted to do was run out as fast as I could.  A friend saw me after the service and a simple "hi, how are you" had me falling apart in tears.  I'm a mess! 

Okay, so this is the backdrop for why I titled the post what I did.  I have been in darkness.  And I don't like it.  I want out.  Kevin wants me out.  The kids deserve to have me out.  I am tired of being tired, stressed, overwhelmed, guilty, sad, and anxious.  I went on a trip to Florida for a couple of days with Lori and Ashley two weeks ago and it was so nice.  I really enjoyed my time there and with them.  It was just so...pleasant!  I thought that when I came back I would feel relaxed and refreshed, ready to embrace all that was before me.  But I didn't.  Reality came crashing down on me like a freight train the night we came home, and I almost felt worse than I did before I left.  And then the guilt followed, hard. 

We decided to homeschool Carlos and never sent him back after Christmas break.  This may seem abrupt to most of our friends and family, but it's actually something that we've been thinking and praying about on and off for the past two years.  Carlos has been asking us on and off for that long as well.  It may seem like bad timing for me given my emotional state, but...I think that the timing is just right.  I knew that I wanted to start our days with Jesus, as I couldn't think of a better way to start our time of homeschooling together.  We started that this week. 

On Tuesday I woke up really early (not by choice!) and couldn't fall back to sleep.  After a couple of hours of being awake, I decided to pick up the book I had started on the plane ride home from Florida, "Mistaken Identity."  Something I read in there that was written as an encouragment to that family stuck with me.  It said to look for God's blessings each day, to be thankful each day for what God gives us.  I thought to myself that I should do that today.  At another part in the book, one of the authors was sharing a song that was so meaningful for her family during their grief: "Praise You in This Storm."  She wrote out the lyrics and I sung the song to myself as I read them. 

Fast forward a few hours later, I was reading to the kids the devotional for that day from "Jesus Calling, for kids."  The verse was Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  The author went on to talk about being thankful and to look for God's blessings today and each day.  Hmmm...that sounded familiar! 

That afternoon as we were driving home from Maria's preschool I turned on the radio for the first time that day and the song that was playing was "Strong Enough."  The chorus of the song is this: "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be.  I give up.  I'm not strong enough.  Hands of mercy won't you cover me.  Lord right now I'm asking You to be strong enough, strong enough for me."  That was fitting!  The song immediately following was "Praise You in This Storm," - the song I read earlier!  The chorus is this: "And I'll praise You in this storm.  And I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am.  And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.  You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."  I considered this a great reminder considering all my tears on Sunday! 

Carlos and I spent the day looking for God's blessings, pointing them out to each other, and being thankful for them.  I did not feel the cloud all day.  Yesterday was a cloud-free day as well.  Today, still no cloud!  Each day we've been reading a devotional and the verse we are memorizing together, and have been having great conversations about God and Jesus.  Carlos is so perceptive and inquisitive and is such a thinker.  These past three days have been good ones.  Now I know it's likely that I'll feel sad and overwhelmed again, but I'm hopeful that I will continue to climb (through God's help and strength, and with keeping my eyes on Him), out of the darkness, into the light....