Maria

I've been meaning to write this post for over a month now!  So here goes:

One year and a month ago, on February 23, 2010, our long wait was over and we got to hold our Maria in our arms for the first time!  For me it felt like the most natural and meant to be thing in the world.  It felt surreal and wonderful and beautiful.  She was PRECIOUS (and still is)!  Our prayers were answered many times over with Maria becoming part of our family! 

She has changed quite a bit in a year!  A few examples: When we first met her, she was shy (of course) and seemed so fragile; now she is LOUD and rambunctious!  She is very curious, determined, fun-loving, and persistant.  She was two years and four months old and wasn't saying any words yet; now, as she continues in speech therapy, her vocabulary is a couple hundred words and she is able to express her wants and needs:  "I need up peas.  I not reach it."  "I sit down mama's lap." "Daddy fix it down stairs."  "My brush my teeth more."  "Arlo not do that!"  For those first few months, she didn't understand or enjoy reading books for more than a minute; now she requests to read books as she carries a huge pile in her arms and stacks them next to us.  (Yeah!) 

She enjoys doing puzzles, building with blocks, playing with cars, pushing anything with buttons, coloring, and doing anything Carlos is doing!  She loves riding her bike!  She is learning her colors and enjoys counting to ten.  She likes listening to music, and she loves when we sing songs.  Her favorites are Wheels on the Bus and Praise Ye the Lord. :) 

She is a gift from God and it is a blessing to be her mama!

(I'll post current photos of the kids once I locate the camera and take the three months of photos off of it!)

A Bad Word That Starts With an "S"

As we were putting the kids to bed tonight, Carlos was holding our cat and he and I were talking about animals.  I was reminding him that we always need to be nice to animals.  And then I retracted my statement a bit and said that we need to be nice to all animals, unless they are trying to attack us.  Carlos said, "like from sharks."  And I said yes, and from mean dogs.  That got us talking about the dogs near his school.  He said that he wants to call them a bad word that starts with an "s" and he started giggling.  I was playfully trying to draw the word out of him, and he just kept laughing and laughing, a nervous yet excited and playful laugh.  He giggled as he said he was embarrassed to say it.  He said it was like dog poop.  Kevin and I looked at each other.  I told Carlos that he would not get in trouble for saying the word right now, that saying it right now wouldn't count as saying it.  I just wanted to know what word he was thinking of.  He then said something while he was laughing, but we couldn't understand what he said.  So we asked him again to say the word, and he said that he just did.  He was still smiling.  We told him that we didn't hear it, and he said he already said it.  This was all said in a spirit of playful banter.  He said it starts with an "st."  I asked if the word was "stupid" and he paused and laughed and said "uh-huh."  We weren't convinced so we asked him if that really was it.  He said that he already said it.  He wouldn't say it again, so we said it was alright, but we did really want to know.  We turned out the lights.  And then suddenly it was like Carlos snapped. 

He was instantly extremely angry.  Seething with anger.  He was laying between Kevin and I and we could feel his anger.  He was tense and making angry sounds and muttering under his breath.  We tried to draw what was the matter out of him, but he wouldn't say.  He tried to leave our bed and go onto his bed, alone.  We wouldn't let him.  We tried talking to him some more, encouraging him to open up to us, that we wanted to help him.  Was it about the dogs?  The movie we watched tonight?  About anything in the fairy tales we read before bed?  He wouldn't talk about it, just continued to angrily mutter.  I thought to myself that Carlos seemed like a different child.  Yes, he's been angry before, yes, he's had rages, but from how he was while getting ready for bed to how he's acting now, it felt like he was a different kid. 

I told Carlos to hit the pillow, to kick his feet, to get out his anger.  He refused, so I demonstrated.  He started laughing (which was strange to see him go from seething anger to laughing in five seconds.)  I kept demonstrating and encouraging him to do it too.  He wouldn't.  So Kevin started to wrestle with him.  They playfully wrestled on the bed for a few minutes, and then Kevin put him down between us again and said that he was going to pray and then we needed to go to sleep.  Carlos was instantly angry again, doing the same things he was doing before the wrestling.  We asked again if he wanted to talk about it.  He growled something like, "I said no."  We kept trying, he kept resisting, but at one point he said that there are all these images flashing about in his mind.  I asked him what kind of images.  He angrily said they are silly.  I told him that I like silly.  He responded that they were silly bad, not silly good.  I told him I wanted to hear about them anyway.  He angrily sighed and then said something like, "Like a duck with eight legs and four tails and nine heads with one head cut off."  I don't remember what we said after that, but he was still so angry.  He wouldn't tell us anything more, so Kevin said that we should just pray and go to sleep and we can talk about his feelings tomorrow or anytime.  He didn't want to pray and go to sleep and he didn't want to talk about it later.  I reached over and put my hand on his leg and started praying outloud for him, that Jesus would come near to him and fill him with His peace.  That He would fill his heart and mind with His peace and love and strength.  I prayed for protection and for the Holy Spirit to be strong within him.  That He would heal Carlos' wounded heart (we've talked al ot about Carlos' heart, so he was familiar with this phrase), and that He would take away Carlos' anger and the images in his mind so that he could get restful sleep.  After a few minutes of praying, Carlos slowly started to relax.  Then Kevin took over the prayer and Carlos drifted off to sleep. 

Two minutes later Carlos jerked in his sleep.  A minute later he flipped over.  A minute later he jerked again.  He tossed and turned (not at all gently) every minute or so.  He stayed asleep, but he it was very fitful.  After ten minutes or so of this, Kevin got up to go downstairs.  I stayed with the kids a few more minutes.  Carlos jerked about again and then woke up and calmly and quietly said:

"Mom."
Yes?
"I feel overwhelmed."
Why is that?
"Because there was too much bad....and then too much good....and now too much bad."  (Going on in his head.)
I leaned over to him and softly yet firmly said that Good will win.  Good will always win.  Love will win.  Jesus will win. 
Good wins.  Love wins.  Jesus wins.
There was a pause and then,
"Mom, Satan took off my sock."
WHAT?  (Flash back to the past half an hour and how I thought to myself at one point while trying to talk Carlos through his anger that this was Satan.  That there was spiritual warfare going on.  But I didn't want to freak Kevin out, or Carlos, so I didn't say anything.  And now here was Carlos, awake suddenly after sleeping for fifteen minutes, saying something about Satan!)
"Satan took off my sock."
Immediately I put my hand on Carlos and said aloud, "Satan, I command you by the power of Christ Jesus to flee from Carlos right now.  You and your....things.... need to leave and go to the foot of the throne of Christ Jesus."
"Mom, who are you talking to?"
To Satan.  I told him that he had to leave.  And he has to listen to me.  Because of Jesus. He gave us the power over Satan.  If we use His name, Satan has to listen to us when we tell him to leave.  So he is not near us anymore.  He left.  You belong to Jesus.  You will always belong to Him.  You are God's child and He will always hold you in His hand.  Satan wants to have us, but he can't.  We belong to Jesus. 

And with that, Carlos fell asleep.  And slept peacefully.  I stayed with him another ten minutes and he didn't move once.  It is now an hour later, and Carlos has still not tossed or turned.  (I have the monitor on so I can hear them.)

We had a spiritual battle tonight, friends.  I know that this is a controversial topic.  I know that this is uncomfortable to talk about.  I know that this is scary stuff.  But Satan is real, and he wants Carlos.  And he CAN'T HAVE HIM!

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."  Ephesians 6:11-13

Breaking Through

Just a quick update to say "Praise God!"  We made it through this month!  We are very thankful and are looking forward to this next month.  With the bulk of the company's income coming in over the next two months and with our upcoming tax return, we are praying that we will be good stewards of the money that God gives us.  We are praying for wisdom to make good choices on what, how, and when to spend money: a few repairs we've been holding off on, a car to replace the one that was totaled so that we can give Kevin's grandparents their car back, paying off some debts, etc.  It feels really good to be in a place where we can make these choices, so now it's just making sure we are doing it wisely: God's way and not ours. :)

Here are some lyrics to Toby Mac's song "Hold On" that have been in my head tonight:

So baby hold on, to the one that's holding you,
I see the clouds are moving faster now, and the sun is breaking through!

[Note: I just looked up the lyrics and it looks like I combined in my head the first part of one verse with the second part of the next verse, but oh well!  I like it this way so I'm gonna' keep it!]

"Lean Not on Your Own Understanding..."

This has been a tough year for us financially.  With adopting Maria and school budgets being really tight, both Kevin and I have had to get part-time jobs outside of the business.  We both have found places that fit us really well, and we are really enjoying all that we are learning and doing.  I work at an independent children's store that is focused on natural parenting and toys, and Kevin works at a neurofeedback company.  Kevin is still visiting schools, but he hasn't had many this fall and winter.  We've maxed out our business line-of-credit and are now just trying to get through until the last week of February.  From then on through summer Kevin has steady work lined up.  (Yeah!)  But last week his sister came in to do our accounting and we all wondered: how are we going to make it until then?  Bills still have to be paid, etc., and we simply do not have any more money in the company.  She told us not to pay anything this week or buy anything this week and she'd come back today.  Kevin has not seemed worried this week about this, but I kept thinking: I know it's only three weeks, but seriously, how are we actually going to make it through? 

So then Lori came back today and she and Kevin worked in the office for a few hours.  As I was cleaning up the house, at one point I thought about how our extended family has and is struggling so much with health-related issues and how we've felt badly at times over the years that we aren't.  But I realized that although we aren't struggling health-wise, we have struggled over the years and are currently struggling financially.  And I wondered how long we'd be doing this.  But then I thought/prayed, God, if this is what it takes to keep us close to you, to keep us hanging on to you and not feel self-sufficient, even though it's hard, I'll welcome it and thank you for it.

When Lori came up to say good bye some while later, she said that we're okay for another week!  Money came from out of who-knows-where, but we are okay for now!  Praise the Lord!  A few sales of books, a check we didn't expect, a school who paid that owed us some money all added up to what we needed!  This was a big deal, yet after thanking God silently, I went on with my busy day and have kept busy up until right now (midnight).  I finally sat down and read my devotional for today and this is what it said:

"Give thanks unto the Lord, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the people."  - I Chronicles 16:8

So that's what I'm doing!

God is our Provider and I am so thankful for who He is!

It's Hard Sometimes

Parenting is not for the weak.  Adopting is not for the weak.  It is tough stuff.  It can fill you with emotions and reactions that you never thought you'd have. 

We are struggling a lot with Carlos.  He was adopted at ten and a half months old, so as an infant, but he struggles with issues that one would expect from a child who was adopted at a much older age.  Issues of abandonment, rejection, loss, identity, trust.  He struggles with very low self esteem, perfectionism, and deep anger.  We see this played out in numerous ways, none of them good or healthy. 

He has never fully attached to me, his mom.  I could see it in his eyes and through the way he responded to me during his first year or so home with us.  I struggled with feelings of rejection, sadness, anger, and guilt.  I was so afraid that he would never attach to me and that would then lead to him becoming a juvenile delinquint and it would be all my fault.  It felt heavy and scary and sad.  I wondered if somehow someone at the adoption agency had made a mistake.  Maybe there was something wrong with me and I wasn't fit to parent.  I didn't share my feelings with anyone besides Kevin and only a couple of close friends.  I was too embarressed and ashamed and didn't think most people would understand.  After all, we "chose" to become parents through adoption - I should be happy and joyful and grateful all the time, right? 

At about the year and a half point, there was a difference in the way Carlos looked at me and I called that "attachment."  Our relationship and time together felt better, more natural, and I thought we had a breakthrough and that everything would be okay now.  As time went on though, I knew in my gut that our relationship wasn't the same for either of us as it was for all the other parents and children that I knew.  We were just not as close or nearly as close as my friends were with their children.  No one could or would have pointed that out though.  It's wasn't obvious; it was in the subleties.  And I have always just pushed it away as no big deal, and that he is close to Kevin, his daddy, so that's good.  Every child favors one of their parents either a lot or a little bit over the other.  Carlos favors Kevin.  The three of us knew it and had talked about it and had just accepted it.  And life went on for nearly five years this way.  And then came Maria.

Things are different with her.  Maybe it's her personality.  Maybe it's because she's a girl.  Maybe it's because I'm a different person in many ways than I was when I became a mom the first time.  I don't know why, but our relationship is a lot different.  It feels and looks a lot different.  It feels good, right, healthy, "normal."  I don't even question whether we're attached or not.  It's not a question.  It just is.  We just are. 

So what does that mean for Carlos, and for Carlos and I?  I don't know.  He doesn't trust me.  He never has.  We've talked about this often.  He knows it.  I know it.  Kevin knows it.  If Carlos gets hurt and I'm the only one there to comfort him, he'll come to me if he's hurt badly enough.  But even then, my presence, my soothing, my cuddling, doesn't actually make him feel better.  It does for other kids when their parents do it to them.  I can see it happening.  It does for Maria when I soothe her.  It doesn't for Carlos.  He's stiff in my arms.  And if he's not hurt badly but definitely still hurt, he doesn't want me.  I'll go over to him and he'll push me away and just keep crying.  He doesn't want my comfort. 

Just before we went to Colombia and for the first couple of months that we were home, Carlos had rages.  Rages are bursts of anger that are deep and raw and long - unlike anything Kevin or I have ever seen before.  The first time it happened I honestly thought that Carlos was possessed by a demon.  It was so scary and I just prayed and prayed over him, begging God to heal him.  Once we were home from Colombia we started to see an attachment and family therapist.  We saw him from April through September.  By August Carlos was doing so much better than the first few months and by September all of us felt like there was no need to continue therapy.  Carlos had opened up a lot, learned a lot, and we as his parents felt so much more equipped to handle situations and issues that could and would come up again with him. 

But now here we are four months later and although Carlos does not rage any more, it is still really tough.  He is dealing with such strong and deep emotions surrounding the issues that I mentioned earlier.  We could go back to counseling.  That would probably help. We could take him out of school since many of his feelings of abandonment, rejection, and self-hatred arise out of things that happen at school.  That would help alleviate some of the pressure that he puts on himself.  But no matter what we decide about either of these two things, what Carlos desperately needs is for God to heal his broken heart and his wounded spirit.  We don't pray about that enough I'm realizing as I type this.  We ask God to help us parent him, to give us strength and wisdom, but we don't actually pray for Carlos' healing.  So if you think of it, will you please say a prayer for Carlos?  We need to cover this precious little boy in prayer!  And he and I need prayers of healing for our relationship too.  We need to be attached.  We just have to be in order for Carlos to be completely whole. 

So I write all of this because it's cathartic, as a plea for your prayer support, and because maybe there is another adoptive parent or family out there who is struggling too and needs to feel that they are not alone.  Although we feel alone in this sometimes, we know we are not.  And we are thankful for what we do have and for the people we have in our lives.  God is good all the time. 

Fall Photos 2010

Kevin built this vintage style puppet theatre and created a new puppet named Olli Winston for ArtPrize.

ArtPrize: "Designed as a very different art competition, the goal is for the general public and artists to collide, exchange ideas and come away changed.  Part arts festival, part social experiment--this international contest is decided solely by public vote."

Kevin was part of a group of artists who created Plan B town, an eco-village that demonstrated what a community could look like in the future if we hit peak oil and begin to run out, if electricity was intermittent at best, and if resources were scarce.  Instead of doom and gloom, they created a community that was full of great music, art, food, friends, and conversation.  

 Two new friends: Kevin and Stacy performing at Plan B

 Two old friends: Danny and Kevin performing together, too! Danny came all the way from New Jersey to perform at Plan B! (Well, and to visit a few schools, too.)

 A photo of the town at sunrise.  Plan B was set on the banks of the Grand River in downtown Grand Rapids.

 This was my favorite piece at ArtPrize.  Maria and I are soaking it in.

 

 

  Kevin ran in the 5K Turkey Trot this year on Thanksgiving morning.  Carlos ran his first 1K and got chased by this turkey the entire time! 

 

Struck down, but not destroyed - Part 2

The past couple of weeks have been....A LOT. 

It started when I got into a car accident on the first really snowy morning in Grand Rapids.  I had just dropped Kevin off at the airport for his five day trip to New Jersey and was on my way to work, with Maria in the back seat.  My mother-in-law was meeting me there to pick Maria up to spend the day with her.  I got off the highway on my exit and turned left onto the overpass.  There is a light at the end of the overpass; it was red.  I pushed on my breaks, but my car didn't stop.  Instead, it slid three car lengths into the white pick-up truck that was in front of me, stopped at the light.  I turned my wheel to the right so that less of my car would hit his, but since there is no shoulder on an overpass, I smashed into the truck.  To make a long story short: the car was totaled.  Maria and I were okay thankfully, as was the other driver.  His bumper was dented, but that is all.  I did have back and neck pain two days later that lasted for an entire week, but I am being treated by a chiropractor and am feeling better.  Maria showed no symptoms of anything, so I think her car seat was effective!  :)

The accident was on a Wednesday.  Nine days later Kevin took my car, the Chevy Impala that we just use for me to drive around town in, to the mechanics as the muffler had been getting progressively louder over the weeks and was now at a deafening level.  It turns out that it was more than a muffler fix.  Now all I can give you is a very rough summary of what turned out to be wrong with it:  something with the entire exhaust system.  And the car had been leaking coolant for months, but we found out this day that it too needed more than just a patch job: something to do with the entire coolant system.  And then the mechanic said that the break pads were 90% worn and that the steering could go out at any moment and so the car was unsafe to drive.  All said, it would cost the same amount to fix the car as what we paid for it back in June! 

So in summary, within a little over a week we went from two cars to zero. 

Thankfully Kevin's grandparents are letting us borrow their car.  I don't know what we would have done without their generosity!

I have been so stressed with getting organized for Christmas this year.  It's the first Christmas that we've had two kids, that I've had a part-time job outside the home, that I'm potty-training (going on five months now), that our business has been so slow, and that I have family coming and staying for a week. (That last one is a great joy, it's just more planning!)  There have been times when I just felt like the life I'm leading is too much for me to handle.  (Not at all in a I'm-might-do-something-drastic kind of way, just in a I'm-going-to-work-myself-into-an-ulcer-or-heart-attack kind of way.)  I know that the stress is due to my personality of being a perfectionistic, type A, people pleaser.  Somewhere along the way over the past year and a half I've lost the ability to relax.  I have a hard time falling asleep.  Even though I'm exhausted each night, my mind races for quite a long time before I fall asleep.  I feel like I've been running on adrenaline the past year and a half.  I'm constantly doing something, because I feel like I always have something that I have to do.  I do love my life, I just need to figure out a better way of living it. 

Last week Carlos was complaining that a particular body part hurt.  After two days I took him in to see the doctor.  She took one look at it, showed me what was going on, and referred us to a specialist.  She then asked me what was going on with his face.  He had red, dry, bumpy patches under his nose and around and under his mouth.  He had been sneezing and blowing his nose all night, so to me it just looked like he had done that too much.  She looked into his throat and then swabbed his tonsil.  It came back positive for Strep! And she said that what was on his face was impetigo, the strep virus on skin - highly contagious.  My first thought was: Gosh, I'm so glad all four of us sleep next to each other in the same room!  So our little guy was prescribed antibiotics for the strep, a cream for the impetigo, and we got in to see the specialist that same afternoon.  The specialist informed us that Carlos needed surgery.  The earliest they could schedule it was a week later.  (Which is today, actually.  The surgery went well and Carlos is recovering nicely.  He will be up and around with not too many problems by tomorrow, so he and all of us will still be able to enjoy our Christmas festivities.) 

So this has all taken place in just a few short weeks.  But, like I said in my title of this post, we have been struck down quite a bit this month, but we are not destroyed.  Amidst this chaos has been some beauty.  There is a story of a dollhouse, one of an elf, and another of brotherly (and sisterly) love. 

For Christmas I decided that I wanted us to give Maria a dollhouse.  She plays with one at speech therapy and has so much fun.  At the store I work at we sell a really nice wooden house, wooden furniture, and wooden doll family (and with brown skin too!  Hard to find!)  But even with my discount it's pricey.  So I started looking on craigslist.  I looked for a couple of different nights, but few were selling doll houses and no one was selling one that I was interested in.  But then one night I saw a posting for a Fisher Price Loving Family doll house that included all of the furniture and dolls.  It was $35.00.  I looked it up on Amazon and found out what a great deal that was!  I emailed the woman and said that I was interested and asked if she could email me a photo.  She wrote back the next day and said that I was the second person to contact her.  The first person was supposed to call her that day, but if she didn't, she would contact me.  That night I received an email from her saying that the woman never called and that she'd send me a photo tomorrow.  So the next day the photo arrived in the afternoon, and it was confirming.  It was a really nice doll house in great shape, and it also included a car which I hadn't known about previously.  Maria would love it!  I wrote her back and said I would like it and that I could pick it up the next day.  But then all evening I just didn't feel completely at peace.  I felt unsettled.  After the kids went to bed I looked at the photo again.  Although it was a great doll house, it wasn't wood like I had wanted.  What Kevin and I want for our kids and family just didn't fit with this toy.  We don't like big plastic toys around our house.  We have some, but we really prefer wooden and natural and green toys if we can help it.  So I just felt this pull between two worlds.  This doll house didn't fit well with our family but was priced affordably.  A wooden doll house would fit our family, but was unaffordable.  Do we just buy a family and maybe a few pieces of wooden furniture for Maria for Christmas and then save up to get her a doll house and more furniture later?  Or do we just say: you know what, we can't afford what we want.  That is the reality for most people.  So just suck it up, and be grateful for what we can afford.  The latter is what we decided and I felt okay with this.  Before going to bed I checked my email one last time and there was an email from the seller.  She said that she feels really badly but her daughter came home from school, saw the doll house all set up, and now doesn't want to sell it.  She hasn't played with it in two years, but loved the way her mom (the seller) had arranged everything.  She has two other doll houses so her mom asked her which one she would be okay with selling.  Her daughter said that she'd be willing to sell her wooden doll house and so this email to me was asking how I felt about having a wooden one instead!  She'd sell it to me for the same price.  Incredible!  I would never have thought to ask God for a wooden doll house for Maria, but He knew and fulfilled that desire of mine.  Isn't that beautiful?!?  (This email came the night before Kevin took my car in and discovered all of the problems with it.)

Yesterday there was a knock at the door.  I opened it to see a man I didn't recognize standing there.  He asked if I was Stephanie and when I said yes, he handed me what looked to be a tin of cookies and he said, "I'm supposed to tell you that this is from an elf.  That's all I can say." And then he turned around and left.  I looked across the street, thinking it was our neighbor's quirky way this year of delivering their annual Christmas cookies.  I opened it up to find a note that said, "God loves you and so do we!"  Under the note were not cookies at all, but coins!  Lots and lots of coins!  There was tissue paper underneath and I noticed a corner of something sticking out.  I lifted the tissue paper to find dollar bills!  And then under that tissue paper was more dollar bills!  And then under that layer and the next and the next and the next were more and more bills!  What?!?  Who would do this for us?  We still have no idea, but to the elves out there: THANK YOU SO MUCH!  What a beautiful gift to us!  We are humbled and grateful. 

And then lastly, ever since the accident I have been wanting to get new car seats for the kids.  The timing also coincided with me learning more about car seats and car seat safety at work, as we sell a top of the line brand there.  The more I have found out, the more I realize how unsafe the car seats and booster seats we've been using for the kids are.  They are expired (didn't know they could expire!) and don't attach to the car in a very safe manner.  Most of the car seats on the market, although approved, are not the safest that they can be.  There are many features lacking that have been proven to be much more life-saving.  (I'm not going to go into detail here about all that I've learned about car seat safety, but feel free to ask me about it anytime.)  Knowing this, it's hard for me to be okay with just buying any ol' new seat.  But the ones that are the safest are of course the most expensive.  So again, my battle in my head goes on about what to do.  I was talking to my sister and brother-in-law about this yesterday and do you know what they did today?  They bought us new car seats for the kids, the ones that I really wanted that we sell at the store I work at!  Another beautiful gift from two beautiful people. 

God provides.  He rescues.  He loves.  We are humbly reminded of that as we celebrate Jesus' birthday this week.  Merry Christmas! 

Struck down, but not destroyed

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."  2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Thankful

On this the last night of our Thanksgiving weekend, I thought that I would take some time to reflect on what I am thankful for:

For my children who are funny and frustrating, beautiful and bewildering, and exhausting yet exhilerating.  We've had many difficult times over the past eight months, but I know that we are becoming a cohesive family.  It is slow and painful work, but when those sweet moments between Carlos and Maria happen every once in a while and they are belly-laughing together, it is all worth it.  I love them both very much and am so thankful to God for bringing them into our lives and creating this family of ours.

For my wonderful, kind-hearted, loving husband.  We're a good team.  Thank you God for opening our hearts to each other over ten years ago, and may You continue to work in and through us and our marriage!

For a God who loves me more than I will ever know, despite my failures and many, many short-comings.  I have felt very distant from Him ever since being in Colombia.  This distance isn't from Him though; I know that He is always near me.  It's me who has been distant from Him.  I haven't made time over these past months to just be still and pray and then listen to Him like I used to.  I do pray, actually quite often throughout the day, but my prayers are either quick and selfish or are incoherent ramblings as I'm trying to go to sleep at night but my mind keeps racing on about everything under the sun.  I know that He hears me and that He knows my heart and what I'm actually wanting to say or needing to say, but oh do I miss those times when I could feel Him near me and when I would be quiet long enough to hear Him.  I am so thankful that He will not give up on me though.  He is waiting with open arms for me to come close again.

For the way that God has provided for our financial needs over these past few difficult months.  One of those ways is through me getting a job at a local, independent children's store.  It's such a great fit for me and our family and I'm so thankful to be working there! 

For parents who are so supportive of us and so generous to us in so many ways.  We are very blessed to have two sets of wonderful parents!

For the friends that we've made at our new church home.  One family in particular lives so close to us that we can walk to their house.  We all enjoy spending time together; It feels like we've known them for years.  And that is a beautiful thing.

For old friends who even though we don't see them very often or even talk to them very often, whenever we do connect it feels like no time has passed.  Those friendships are so special and we are so thankful for them!

For our siblings who are beautiful, loving, awesome people!  We are so lucky to have them in our lives!  And for our neices and nephews who are just precious!

We have a lot to be thankful for!

Reparando

Kevin and I and his parents went tonight to see the premiere of the documentary film "Reparando," which in English means "repairing."  God is in the business of repairing brokenness, and there is a lot of brokenness in the people of Guatemala.  They are still living in the aftermath of a 36 year civil war that ended in 1996.  It tore the country apart, ravaged families, and displaced thousands upon thousands of people who tried to escape the violence.  Now 75% of Guatemalans live below the poverty line, which according to the film means not having enough food and resources for the day.  Some of the largest slums in Latin America can be found in Guatemala.  One of them is named La Limonada, in Guatemala City.  It is one mile long and half a mile wide, and sits on the outskirts of the city dump (24+ football fields in size.)  Gangs and drugs and violence permeate it.  Most of the 60,000 people who live there are what are called scavengers; they work 10-14 hours a day scavenging through the trash, collecting anything that may be of value in order to sell it.  This is how they and their families survive day in and day out.   

But amongst all of this, there is a hope that is rising.  This film shares with us the stories of two individuals, Tita and Shorty, who have been restored by God from pasts of abuse and drugs and gangs.  They are now working with the people of La Limonada, "to repair the next generation."  Not wanting to give too much away, I'll just say that this is a powerful, moving, haunting, and beautiful film that shows the power of God's redemption in a person's life. 

http://www.reparandomovie.com/

We've been so focused on Colombia this year, it felt really good tonight to come home feeling more connected to Guatemala, to have a renewed passion for this beautiful country where our son was born.